So Who is Difficult?

On the recent ‘Dealing with Difficult People’ course we ran, there was a great aha moment. Quite early on in the day, one delegate realised she actually is the ‘difficult’ person. This is something that is not always easy to accept. I remember the first time I ran this course; I made the mistake of suggesting this at the start, and ended up with 15 difficult people! I learnt my lesson.

It is so easy to point the finger of blame at others. A wise person once demonstrated to me that every time you point the finger of blame at someone, there are three pointing back at you.

• Be brave and take a long hard look at yourself and the situation you find difficult. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to the situation.

You can self assess, but what is important is how others see you. As a leader or manager, it is vital to be aware of the impact you are having on others. You may have to give feedback on their performance on a regular basis, but can you accept it in return; without repercussions or becoming defensive. Often we do not see ourselves as others do.

• Keep asking ‘how do people in the team really see me?’

What is interesting to me is why I find certain people, situations or behaviours difficult and not others. If you analyse why a behaviour in someone else is ‘difficult’, do you discover that they are not behaving as you would? If only everyone was just like me, how easy the world would be!!! (Heaven forbid. How boring it would be if we were all the same)

• Is it that people are not difficult, they are just different? It can be that their experiences, conditioning, beliefs or values are different to ours.

There is a thing called projection. What annoys you in others may be something that you don’t like about yourself, but you deny that you do. E.g. you may not like someone because they keep interrupting, but that’s because you like to monopolise the conversation and do it yourself.

Our body is influenced by the words we use. For example, if we say we hate someone, then our brain and body will respond to prove us right. By changing the words we use, we can change our response to people

• Try saying something like; ‘this person is just different to me, and that’s OK’.

As Plato said; ’Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle’.