Coping with Life’s Curved Balls

When things are going smoothly, it’s easy to think you are invulnerable. Life then has a habit of throwing in curved balls. These events can come in any shape, size, or velocity. It might be illness, bereavement, redundancy, bankruptcy, divorce, etc. They can happen to any of us and we find ourselves on a journey.

My recent curved ball was being diagnosed with breast cancer. I know I am not alone as far as women and men are concerned, or people with other types of cancers. My sincere best wishes go out to anyone who is dealing with any kind of cancer.

When something like this happens, we can make choices of how we cope with it, and we can learn the lessons these circumstances make available to us. I would like to share with you what I have learnt so far, and even if you are facing a different type of problem, I hope it helps.

Recognise Your Strengths

We can often underestimate our own resilience and strengths in facing any adversity. It is at times like these that we need to call on them. You are stronger than you think! Use whatever abilities and strengths you have to help you get through. By being self-aware and learning from your experiences, you can enhance your knowledge and become a stronger person.

Having high self-esteem can help us to take more control of the situation and improve the outcomes.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Viktor Frankl

Be Inspired

It is helpful to look at how others have faced difficult times. For me, friends who have come through illness, Christopher Reeve (Still Me), Alan Bates (Post Office Scandal), and many more have shown that you do not have to be a victim of your circumstances or be defined by it.

It pays to talk, but I recommend speaking to people who are positive and can give you sound advice. There are too many doom merchants who want to tell you worse case scenarios, but that is not what you need right now.

Some may tell you to look at those who are worse off than you, but I personally don’t think this helps. It can be depressing and devalues your own feelings. Life is not a comparison show. At this time, how you think and feel is all important to you.

Manage Certainty and Control

The brain craves certainty and autonomy, so it is important to help it with these in traumatic situations. It is impossible to have total certainty about the future, but you can gain much through questions and research. Try and build as much certainty as you can, however there is a danger of information overload and in the era of the internet, misinformation. Not all the facts may apply to you. For example, you may not experience all the side effects of treatments listed.

If you let yourself become a victim of circumstance, you feel less in control and that impacts on your self-esteem. You may not have control of everything, but you can choose not to get upset about what you do not have control of. You can increase your autonomy by making choices where possible.

Find Those Endorphins

Find the time to do what you love to do and release the endorphins, which we know help boost mood and improve immunity. For me, it is being with family and friends, playing tennis, line dancing, going to Toastmasters and being with nature. I also try to watch funny or feel-good films or programmes and avoid depressing or violent ones. Having a good laugh is great medicine.

Looking after your well-being is so important in maintaining your natural resilience. It may be obvious, but this means staying hydrated, eating healthily, exercising, and getting plenty of rest. You need your fitness to cope with those curved balls.

Never Assume

It’s easy to assume you are the only person going through this or that you have no choice in the matter. The worst thing is to think it is hopeless and no one can help you. The more you investigate you will find help from organisations or others going through the same thing. You can learn from them and get support.

After I stopped having regular mammograms at 65, I gave up checking for lumps. I assumed I no longer needed to. This was a big mistake. No one is invincible. Cancer doesn’t care about age, gender, religion, or ethnicity.

• Never stop checking.
• Ask for mammograms or appropriate tests from the NHS.
• Get any concerns checked out straight away.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about it.

Similarly in business, it is easy to get complacent about staff, health and safety, customer satisfaction, or finance when things are going well. Never stop checking so you can catch problems early.

Worrying Doesn’t Help

It is easy to say ’don’t worry’, but much harder to do. We know that our thoughts evoke emotions, which in turn determine our behaviour, and thus the outcomes we get. It is normal to worry, but it is not obligatory. You can choose not to follow those worrying trains of thought when they start up. This is where you can take some control by letting your worried thinking go. That is not always easy, especially when you are responsible for others, but it is possible.

My inspiration comes from Mark Rylance’s character in Bridge of Spies when he says, ‘Would it help?’

‘What if’ are two deadly words that can lead us to catastrophise. It’s strange how much easier it is to think the worst rather than the most positive outcome. Cornell University reported that 85% of what we worry about never happens. We can waste a lot of time and precious energy worrying to no avail. It won’t change the result but may rob you of the enjoyment of the moment.

There is a strength in having the right amount of alertness, which can get you out of trouble and help you not to accept what might seem to be the inevitable outcome! Planning your strategy is not the same as worrying.

Ironically while having a biopsy, I asked if it would take long as I was due to deliver a course on ‘Coping with Anxiety’! I was more concerned about being late for that than the pain of the test. Fortunately, I arrived on time and delivered the workshop, although sadly the test results were not so positive.

Also I was amazed how calm and peaceful I felt minutes before going in for my operation. I focused on being in the now, as Eckhart Toller recommended. In those moments, there was nothing else I needed. Perhaps not having excess adrenaline in my system helped my speedy recovery?

Response of Others

We all respond to bad news differently and that is something to understand and accept. You may not get the response from others that you hoped for, but they are on their own journey through all this. They have to find their own ways of coping, but that doesn’t mean you adjust to meet their needs. You can choose to stick to what works for you.

My niece’s response to my news was a vehement ‘Oh tits!’ I laughed and said how appropriate it was! My sincere thanks go to everyone who is supporting and encouraging me. Relationships are so important at these times, as well as being able to recognise your and their vulnerabilities. This goes together with supporting yourself and others who may be worrying on your behalf.

Coping with Delays

Delays do happen in any situation. You can manage this rather than it manage you. When there are delays that doesn’t stop you seeking the help, information, and timely interventions you need. Don’t be afraid to ask. Getting frustrated by delays doesn’t help. Just like worrying, it has a negative impact, makes you feel worse, and doesn’t speed things up.

There is a lot of bad press about the NHS and in some cases, rightly so. My experience of my GP and the Breast Cancer Team is that they are efficient, empathetic, and experienced. Despite being underfunded and understaffed, they work with care, speed, and reassurance. They informed me of what each step would entail by providing lots of information including from Breast Cancer Now. It was a fantastic example of teamwork, but there are delays. I now realise the term ‘patient’ is because you do need a lot of patience!

First Steps

Any situation is a journey and for some the path is much longer, bumpier, and twisted than others. It is early days for me and the hardest part, which is the treatment phase, is yet to come. Difficult decisions have to be made. I am just finding my own way of coping with life’s curved balls. I hope you can too.

Also published on Medium.